Do I really want to do this?

Right, I did mention in one post when I got into a new stone bracket I'd maybe post how much I weighed at the start of my journey and how much I weigh at the moment. It's quite a big thing for me because well nobody likes to tell anybody how much they weigh, do they? The confidence I lack and worries I have will obviously still interfere with how I feel about myself. Even though I'm losing weight, I still feel really shit about myself. But then again I don't think there is a single female on this earth that isn't insecure about something or doesn't like something about themselves. If you are female and love everything about yourself then I envy you. I remember my Councillor asking me to write a list of 5-10 things I liked about myself and I couldn't even write one thing. Ashley gave me a list as long as his arm but I didn't agree. It's really frustrating, when people say nice things to me I don't actually know how to take them so I just say thank you which is obviously the right thing to say even if I don't agree with them. It may be down to the fact I was bullied at school etc. Anyway back to my main focus of this post, my weight. It took me a few months before I told Ashley how much I had weighed before and now (well at the time), he was lovely about it and didn't judge me. Still rather embarrassing though he's going out with a baby elephant that was once well... an adult elephant. Sometimes I worry that my size will scare him off and he will get fed up of me and it scares me. I never feel pretty when wearing nice dresses and it makes me paranoid. After losing 8 stone I feel like maybe it's not such a bad idea to share my weight with everybody, it's disappearing. I just don't want people to judge me and I fear that I will get some nasty comments, that's my problem I worry about what everybody thinks of me when I shouldn't. But here goes!

I'm hoping to be at least 13.11 by my birthday in June. My main target is 10 stone, but I'm going to stop when I'm happy whether that's 11 stone or 9 and half stone. I want to feel comfortable with myself so I shall let you know when that actually happens!

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Well as promised here is my update from weigh in last night. Brace yourselves! I went to weigh in with the hope of losing 2lb at the most just to put me into a new stone bracket. 4lb would have got me my 8 stone award but like I said 2lb and I would have been happy. I only went and lost 4 bloody pound! I was over the moon and I still am, I have now lost exactly 8 stone. I never in a million years thought it was possible, I didn't think I'd get this far. All my hard work is paying off and I couldn't be anymore proud of myself than I am now. I got my new shiny sticker and a certificate to add to my door of awards! I'm so happy, if you couldn't tell already! I'm going for another good week next week too! In the next 3 weeks maybe 2 depending on how good my losses are, I want to work towards my 8 and a half stone award which I've set for my Easter goal. For my birthday in June I would like my 10 stone award, it's possible if I stick at it. For those that ever doubted me, screw you! And for those that are proud of me and have encouraged me, thank you! :-) The praise I've received off my parents, consultant and my wonderful boyfriend make it all worth while, it's nice to know how proud they all are of me. It gives me that big boost! Meal planning tonight, big food shop tomorrow. Here's to another bloody good week.

Having faith in me.

I thought I would do a quick blog post before my weigh in tonight as I haven't blogged since last Monday. I had a really good week slimming world wise, I stuck to plan 100% I went to Ashley's Friday night and stuck to plan through out the weekend. Friday night we made Thai Style Patties from the latest Extra Easy Express cook book, with a side of rice, mushrooms and Pak Choi. It was both our first time trying Pak Choi, I was surprised how nice it was! Definitely purchasing some of that again. In the book on the ingredients list it said to add 1tsp of Thai Fish Sauce but in brackets next to it, it said (Nam Pla) so me being the sausage I am assumed this was the brand of Fish Sauce we needed. But I was then embarrassed to realise after wondering up every food aisle with Ashley that Nam Pla actually meant Fish Sauce in Thai. I know that makes me an idiot haha. But needless to say the meal was gorgeous and we all enjoyed it.

On Saturday we went out to Hanley shopping, so we stopped at Spud U Like for breakfast/dinner I got my normal Jacket Potato, Cheese and Beans. Am I right in assuming they don't put butter on the potato? As it didn't harm my weight loss the last time I had it. I did some searching on Google but still couldn't find whether they did or not. I just saw people saying they inject it with butter which it's very clear that they don't. If anybody can answer that for me I'd very much appreciate it. Saturday night we made Jerk Chicken and Rice with added mango, pineapple, chilli, cucumber, red onion and mint. Which again was gorgeous! We went to the pub Saturday night to watch a band and I stuck to Diet Pepsi and Pepsi Max, I'm very proud of myself.

Sunday afternoon we went for a walk at Rudyard Lake and fed the ducks, it was rather lovely. We even got to ride the small steam train back to the car which was bloody awesome! I'm back at home now and won't be seeing Ashley until Sunday afternoon, I miss him a hell of a lot but once he finishes on Sunday I get to see him for 2 whole weeks. I'm so excited, I love spending so much time with him.

Also, two new things I've tried this weekend. Gingerbread Green Tea which is incredible! And Choc Shot which is like a hot chocolate in a thick sauce form, it's only 14 calories per tsp which is half a syn and it tastes lovely with fruit and yogurt. I'm going to weigh in at 8pm tonight as I can't get there at my normal time of 7pm so that means I'm going to be so hungry when I get home but I'm making Slimming World pizza's so will still be sticking to plan. I'm looking forward to standing on the scales. Fingers crossed its a good week. I'll post my weigh in results on my instagram and probably on here tomorrow or during the week. 

Cute shoes and Monday blues.

So today was the day we laid my auntie Sonya to rest, it was incredibly sad and for the first time in weeks it finally sank in that it was real and wasn't just a horrible nightmare. I feel a little lost, because going through my head all the way through the service was "How am I going to tell her when I've got exciting news things happening in my life that I want to share with her?" I met my aunties best friend Vera for the first time today too, I hugged her and wouldn't let go. She's a lot like my auntie in so many ways and it felt like I was hugging my aunt. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad but it's going to take a lot of getting use to not having her around, so it's kind of hard. I will miss her an incredible amount everyday but I will always have the fond memories.

I had a lovely weekend with Ashley, I don't know how one person can just make everything better but he does. The improvement in my life has been incredible since he came into it. We went shopping on Saturday, I brought myself a tea dress from New Look and it was a size 16! I've never been able to go into New Look without having to buy from their Inspire range! I was so happy when I tried it on in the changing rooms, I even did a little victory dance. I decided on the Saturday night I needed new shoes to go with my dress and I had my eye on some Red Or Dead ones for a while so I bit the bullet and went into Schuh on the Sunday with Ashley and tried them on. My feet have gone from a size 8 to a size 5! So they now look cute and tiny in my beautiful new shoes. I didn't have a great weekend on Slimming World but I had been good the week leading up to it. I've been 100% today though so still hoping for a good loss when I go back to group next Monday. I really want my 8 stone shiny sticker!

Hope you all have a great week.

Victory is mine!

So after a really tough week and still sticking 100% to the plan I managed to get rid of the remaining gain from christmas/new year which was 1lb and the half a pound gain from last week, plus 2lb more!! I lost 3.5lb this week, I'm over the moon. I can almost taste the next stone bracket! I had a treat tonight because I haven't the past two weeks, I had a bar of chocolate a large one! shared skittles with Ashley and had a few biscuits! Safe to say I feel sick and didn't need to do that to myself and will be 100% as of tomorrow morning. I am now currently 7 stone and 10lb lighter than I was in July 2012, I can't quite believe that once I've lost 4lb I'll have lost 8 stone its remarkable. Here's to another good week! Although I won't be at weigh in next week as it's my aunts funeral so will be the week after but I'm still sticking to plan 100% that 8 stone will be mine!

This weekend has been just what I needed, it didn't start well though! Had a major meltdown in the train station because my card got declined. I had money on my card but Lloyds Bank were having problems yet again!!! So phoned my dad almost in tears because I didn't know what to do but he saved the day and came back to give me money! I was still a bit of a nervous wreck after that incident even when I got on the train. I just wanted to cry. But! Everything changed once I was with Ashley, it's been lovely to see him and get all the hugs I've needed this week. His hugs are magical they make everything better. We had dinner by candle light on Saturday night, it was actually really lovely. We made Jerk Chicken and rice/salad, Slimming World friendly of course. Left overs were then eaten Sunday at lunch time again by candle light! :D We have now been together 7 months, they have been the best 7 months of my life. He makes me so happy I can't even begin to explain, he's incredible.

Hope you all have a great week!

Colour and comfort.

Today has been a really good day food wise, I've stuck to plan 100% as I did Monday, Tuesday. Although I didn't really eat much Monday for obvious reasons. The food I've had today has looked quite colourful so I thought I'd upload them to my blog. I also managed 20 minutes on the exercise bike even though I really didn't feel up to it. I'm hoping my determination and not giving up this week will pay off on Monday. I don't think I could face another gain, I'd actually cry more than I did last Monday. I don't exactly know what I planned to write in this post but I thought I'd just give you all a little update.

We received a telephone call today from Belgium, my auntie's friend Vera who she's been friends with since she was at school called to speak to my dad. Hearing her voice was lovely, although I don't know her it was comforting to hear a friendly voice. She's coming over for the funeral which will be lovely to finally meet her as she's not seen me since I was a baby. It's amazing that they had kept in touch after all those years and were still best-friends. I have also been given a ring she owned it was my grans wedding ring which was passed down to my aunt and now it's been passed down to me. I've got it on a necklace, I also have her watch. It's nice to have something to remember her by, even though it's tough I know she'll always be around even if it isn't in person.

Emotional rollercoaster

So yesterday was the worse day in my whole entire life. Sadly my auntie passed away in her sleep early hours of Monday morning, it was so unexpected and I'm absolutely devastated. She was an incredible woman, one of the most important in my life, as I went to her for advice when I needed a boost or just encouragement. It was always made perfectly clear how proud of me she was and how much she loved me because she told me often enough, which gives me some comfort. It's been a lot to take in and I'm taking it each day at a time, we still don't know the full details of her death and won't until next week. Because of how encouraging she was with my weight loss journey I still went to group last night to be weighed and of course I cried, my wonderful consultant was so supportive and gave me a hug. Although I wish I hadn't gone because after having such a 100% week I gained half a pound so I cried some more and felt instantly worse. I'm not letting it stop me from carrying on though, it will be gone next week and more! I kind of assumed it was the puffed wheat as I've never had it before and I was having it almost everyday for my breakfast, so I'm going back to weetabix and having different things. I got some beetroot today as well, as a lady once said to me on Instagram "When in doubt get the beetroot out". I had a lot of the stuff when I had the 5lb loss last week. I purchased the new book I mentioned in my last post and the latest magazine, some amazing recipes in both btw! I'm looking forward to Wednesdays and Thursdays teas, I'm off to Ashley's on Friday so will be taking my book with me as his mum loves it when we cook! haha. I can't wait to see Ashley, it's been hard getting such bad news and not being able just to go to him to get a cuddle.

I hate 2014 already and we are only February. I'm going to try my hardest this week, mentally and psychically. 

Rewarding myself with things not food.

I've decided instead of pigging out on food after being weighed and having a good loss on a Monday night, I am going to let these losses build up and then reward myself with something I want. I have set myself a goal, every stone I lose I will reward myself with MAC stuff. I'm currently 7lb away from my next award so when I get that I'm going to purchase 'Studio Finish SPF 35 Concealer' and '195 Concealer Brush'. I think this is much better way to reward yourself with things you want, instead of things you think you want, haha. Technically today is now Monday, I'm really looking forward to weigh in tonight. I've had another great week, I've been 100% on plan for the full 7 days. I hope it's just as rewarding as last weeks 5lb loss, I'll be happy with 2 or 3 if I can't get what I got last week. I'm hoping to purchase the new Extra Easy Express book tonight too, I love cooking new things! Hopefully the new magazine will be in group as well, I'm a sucker for success stories. I can tell I'm getting older and more into healthy cooking as I've asked my mum for a Tefal Actifry for my birthday! Who does that? I'm nearly 23 and that's what I want. Sainsburys have been out of Puffed Wheat for the past 2 days, I could actually cry. I really enjoy that stuff, you get so much for 35g it's amazing. When I got to Ashley's on Friday I'm going to bring 4 boxes home with me. I don't live that close to a Sainsburys so it's a bit of a pain in the bottom. I'm also still searching for the Garlic Frylight, I can not for the life of me find it in any of our Tesco's, Ashley even checked his Tesco Extra and they didn't have any either so I'm hoping they do come the weekend. I realise how sad this makes me sound, but it's all for a good cause!

Also, I have Converse for sale on eBay! My feet have gone from a size 7 to a 5 so they no longer fit, so if anybody is interested my eBay name is toothpasteteef.

How do you reward yourselves?
Hope you all have a great week a head, I'll be sure to post my weigh in results sometime tomorrow.