Wide awake.

So I'm sat here at 1:26am wide awake, today (well yesterday since it's past midnight) was terrible. I have not felt the amount of stress I felt for such a long time. All the planning of getting my life on track with college etc has had me feeling crap. Then to top it all off I went to weigh in and gain 2lb on top of the half a pound I gained last week, star week is looming which is always a disaster at weigh in so I'm hoping I get a nice surprise next Monday instead.

I sometimes forget how far I've actually come because I worry so much that I will go back to being the unhappy, very over weight girl I used to be. I can't go back there, my life was hell. I don't know why I've got myself so stressed, it's not because of the gain I just seem to have a lot on my mind at the moment. I even considered going back to my old ways earlier and I scared myself I haven't thought about harming myself in nearly a year, so why now? I didn't though, I refuse to go back there. Hopefully after a nice restful sleep I will feel a lot better, once I get tired that is.

Wouldn't it be great if we all lived a world full of happiness, rainbows and magic. Depression wouldn't exist in that sort of world. I'd also own my own unicorn!

Those scales won't know whats hit them next week, I'm going to do my kettle bell every day, no excuses! Plenty of super free and no fizzy drinks, going to limit syns too and not use them on chocolate. I want to have lost 10st before I go to Leeds festival in August. Hopefully that is doable, well I think it is. I've done 4 comparison pictures tonight for myself with old pictures I found on the computer downstairs whilst I was putting them all on a memory stick for my dad. I was so shocked because I still felt like those pictures were still actually me but when I compared them, just goes to show I'm not.

Hope you all have a great week!

Damage limitation.

Sorry I've only just got around to posting Monday nights weigh in results, if you follow me on Instagram you will already know that I gained half a pound. I'm actually made up with that because if I hadn't got straight back on plan the day after my birthday and had the syn free days with lots of super free it may have been a lot worse. I stood on Ashley's scales on Friday when I got to his and it said I had gained 5.5lb so technically I lost 5lb ;) I'm not upset about half a pound and I'm not going to lose any sleep over it (makes a change because I normally cry) but I enjoyed my birthday which I never did last year. I did as much I humanly could to reduce the damage and I did, plus it will be off next week and more so not to worry! Plus I didn't lose my 9 stone award which I was more worried about so happy days!

In 2 weeks time I've been with Ashley for 1 whole year, it's gone so fast. I can't believe I've managed to keep hold of him. He's changed my life so much, I couldn't have carried on my weight loss journey if he hadn't have been so supportive of it. He tries to help me as much as he can and he does a bloody good job at it. I know I blabber on in nearly every post about him and you probably all get sick of it but I couldn't speak about him enough. He's made all the horrible things that have happened to me seem so small and distant now. I'm now being treated how I've only ever dreamed of being treated and it's pretty damn amazing.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my Councillor I only have 4 sessions left with her before I'm done forever and off to college to start a new chapter in my life. It's helped me a lot having somebody to listen to my problems and help me try to over come them. I know nobody can ever make my problems go away, it's only me that can put them behind me and know that they only made me stronger. I have felt weak for so long but I'm starting to realise I'm actually not, to put up with what I have done and still be here shows how strong I am. I'd never normally admit that or pay myself a complement but yeah, you heard it here first.

I hope you are all having a great week and weigh ins are going great! And if they didn't jump on my wagon next week is ours. We got this!

NINE.

Sorry I've not posted for so long, I've had a busy week. I fully enjoyed a synful birthday on Wednesday and got straight back on plan Thursday morning lots of super free and I've had syn free days since. On Monday I finally did it, I finally got my 9 stone award! I needed half a pound and I lost two and a half instead which takes me to a loss of 9st 2lb such a great present to start my birthday week. I have 5lb to lose for my next award which is quite exciting! I've probably gained since but I'm trying my hardest to reduce damage for Monday night, I'm hoping for a maintain if not a cheeky little loss!

I had such an amazing birthday, Ashley made the day the best! He spoiled me rotten, I even got a bouquet of roses. We had a fun cocktail fueled day, the weather was amazing and so was the company. I had pizza hut for tea! I've missed real pizza and it tasted so damn good, I had my favourite, Hawaiian mmm ham and pineapple! I was hammered and in bed by 11pm, proves I had a great day haha. I'm currently in Stoke at Ashley's house, we've had 2 syn free BBQ's this weekend because the weather has been beautiful.

I went clothes shopping on Thursday and ended up buying a really pretty skirt and top! I never wear skirts my legs look like I'm the milkman's love child. But the skirt was a size 14, non scale victory!

Hope you've all had an amazing week, sorry the post isn't long but I will post again on Monday after weigh in.

half a pound, lilies and smiles.

Sorry for the long awaited post (you probably wasn't waiting but lets pretend you were). After maintaining last week at Slimming World this week I lost 1.5lb so I'm now half a pound away from my 9st award! How frustrating! I'm determined to get it next Monday so I can enjoy my birthday next Wednesday, I'm not having a treat after weigh in next Monday either. Wednesday will be my treat day because I don't want to be worrying about Slimming World and then not enjoying my birthday. I'm going to Pizza Hut with my family and my beautiful other half. I'm just hoping I get my award next Monday because it will be a perfect way to start my week and it will be a lovely birthday present too.

Today I had a surprise delivery of a beautiful bouquet of flowers, on Monday while I was at my interview at college (which wasn't an interview just a written maths test) he dropped me off and disappeared for 20 minutes. They were meant for my birthday but the florist mucked up and sent them today. They are absolutely beautiful, he did brilliant! It even contains my favourite flowers lilies! I can't wait for them to open. I'm such a lucky girl, I never get flowers so it was a lovely surprise. I went to Boux Avenue for the first time this week to be measured because for as long as I can remember I'd been guessing what size bra I was so I've been wearing a 38 C, I got measured and I am in fact a 38 F bit of a jump haha, my bra's don't feel like training bra's anymore they actually fit now! The help in the shop was incredible, the lady was absolutely lovely and I didn't feel uncomfortable at any point. I signed up for a VIP card so it's safe to say that's where I'll be getting my bra's from in future.

I'm in Stoke on Friday until Monday back for Weigh in Monday evening, hoping the sun stays out for the weekend and for the rest of the week. I get Ashley for 10 days as of Friday which makes me super happy. I may be quite behind with the next weeks post because I want to spend all my time with Ashley.

I hope you all have had an amazing week and the scales are super kind to you all!
X

When life gives you lemons, HMMNYAAAGH!

Well today/yesterday, I went to weigh in after losing 4lb last week and I maintained. I'm super happy about this. Why? I hear you say, well because an hour before weigh in Aunt Flo' came to town. This is why I have felt so horrid and when I had a cheeky look on Ashley's scales at the weekend, YES I KNOW I WAS BANNED FROM DOING THIS! But I wanted to see how I was getting on and of course his scales said I had gained 4.5lb so yeah I'm really pleased with a maintain. It means I'm still in my 14's and I will get my 9stone award next Monday instead just before my birthday the week after. I stayed to group for the first time since last year and it was nice to be back, I'm going to make it a regular thing in a few weeks time. The support has giving me the big boost I need for this week! I'm grateful I didn't gain, so I didn't get upset about it.

The beautiful weather at the weekend gave me and Ashley lots of opportunity to go do some fun stuff! On the Saturday we went strawberry picking, I've never had so much fun! Eating strawberries (even though there was a sign saying no to do that, which I didn't see), we picking loads of huge ones and Ashley ended up paying £17 for 2 big baskets of strawberries that were basically small apples haha. Safe to say we ate a lot of strawberries over the weekend! On Sunday we went to the Roaches which was absolutely beautiful we climbed a lot and took a lot of pictures. The view from the top of the rocks was so beautiful. Safe to say when we got back to the car we were both knackered and sweating! I'm not seeing Ashley now until Sunday which makes me sad but I get him for a lot longer the following week. I also changed my hair last week, I used an ombre kit and it looks really nice!

Life is great right now.