Keeping busy.

So I really had no idea what to do with myself yesterday, today and probably won't tomorrow. I'm not seeing Ashley until Monday morning and it's been hard. I've been getting quite upset with myself the past couple of days and I really don't know why. It's frustrating and it's a constant battle with the mind. I've tried keeping busy, yesterday I cleaned my room and did my washing (still have a bit of tidying to do). Today I've got up had my breakfast, watched Adventure Time, marinated the lamb for tonight's Lamb Vindaloo. Now I'm stuck again, so I thought I'd blog to pass some time. I'm really hoping today and tomorrow fly by. I'm going to decide what I want for dinner soon too, I have no idea what to make. I was going to make more curry loaf muffins but I think since I'm making a really hot curry tonight it wouldn't be fair on my poor bottom. I've been worrying myself quite a lot about Monday's weigh in, I desperately need this pound for my 8 and a half stone award. I don't want to be kicked in the teeth with another gain. It's the last chance to meet my Easter goal since it is Easter next Sunday. I've had most of my syns this week too, I normally only use a little amount but I even had the full 15 on Wednesday. I hope this doesn't effect me or I will actually shed tears on the scales. Fingers crossed, I shall post my results on my Instagram/Twitter on Monday night and then I will blog about it during the week if I get time to pick up the laptop.

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend. The sun seems to have disappeared my end!

Pesky pound!

The weigh in results are in guys and dolls! I lost 2.5lb, I was super happy about that it now means I have to lose 1lb to get my 8 and a half stone award and I'm going to work my not so little bum off this week so it will be mine next Monday! I've planned all the meals up until next Tuesday and we go shopping tomorrow morning. I'm making quite a few new things this week, well newish. I upload all my meal pictures to Instagram anyway so you can have a look. But yeah, my Easter goal needs to be met by next Sunday so Monday is my only chance to get my 8.5 stone for Easter. So keep everything crossed for me. I'm currently sat eating half a packet of strawberry Chewits (6 syns for a full pack and you get 10 in them). I can't help but feel disappointed at how strange they taste now, I've gone off strawberry flavored stuff especially Mullerlights, I really don't know why, they taste horrid. But I still love strawberries. Strange! I've been with Ashley 9 month today, can't believe it 3 month time I'll have been with him for a whole year. It's been incredible, he's my rock and my best friend. It's lovely how much praise he gives me with losing weight and how proud he is, it encourages me to carry on. Most people when they become comfortable with somebody and fall in love decide to just let go and stop losing weight because they are happy. But my happiness didn't exist because I wasn't happy with myself but meeting Ashley has made me more determined to keep going, I want him to have a girlfriend he can show off and be proud of. I don't want him to be embarrassed with a baby elephant that covers her face in make up to hide. (I know he doesn't think this but I do). I'm applying for my college course next week, I'm so scared but excited at the same time. I hope they ask me to come in for an interview as I need this. This is the only chance I have left at improving my life and pushing my mental health a side. I will always be battling my demons but as long as push myself to achieve what I want to do then I know the battle will get a lot easier.

The sad news of Peaches Geldof dieing at the of 25 made me so sad yesterday. That is no age to die, especially leaving behind 2 baby boys. It really does make you think about things differently, I feel selfish that when I was going through the harder stages of my mental health I considered taking my own life numerous of times. I cut and cut hoping it would do something, but you never quite think how it will actually effect other peoples lives if you did take your own life. My heart goes out to her family at this sad time.

Game of Thrones started back last night and OMG what an episode! It was so worth the year of excitement and waiting. I won't put any spoilers on just in case you haven't got around to watching it yet but Arya Stark is a complete bad ass!

I hope you all have a wonderful week and good luck if you are stepping on the scales!

Why can't I be normal?!

This weekend has tested me so much, I forgot my tablets and I was at Ashley's for the weekend. When I've not had them you can tell because I'm moody and I cry at nothing. Also panic sets in over nothing. So I think I've probably drove Ashley up the wall, but he won't admit it. He's so good with me when I'm upset etc, I don't know how he puts up with me at times. I wish I was normal and not mentally unstable sometimes because then maybe I'd make people a lot happier. Other than the emotional meltdowns I've had, the weekend has been lovely. Ashley and his sister gave me a driving lesson at half 9 at night on an empty car park full of cones. I can reverse a car!!! It was rather fun even if I did nearly hit a cone. I stuck to Slimming World 100% too, I always do at his house because we take over the kitchen Friday and Saturday night. We made an Easy Chicken Dopiaza Curry and yellow rice on Friday night which was yummy. Saturday night we made Fake KFC style chicken, skinny fries and BBQ baked beans, it was magical! It tasted better than KFC because it wasn't dripping with grease. I'm back home now and it's weigh in tonight, I'm nervous because I really want my 8.5 stone award and I need to lose 3.5lb for that. I weighed myself on Ashley's scales (I know I shouldn't) his scales are always 2lb heavier than the Slimming Worlds scales so if it's right I've lost 4lb but I'm not gonna hold my breath. But fingers crossed it's a positive and not a negative result! I'm not seeing Ashley until a week today now which is quite sad but I see him for a week when I do see him next which makes me happy!

For all you Monday weighers good luck! And good luck for the week a head. I'll post my weigh in results tomorrow, Game of Thrones starts tonight so I'll be watching that instead haha.

Do you wanna build a snowman?

Or ride our bikes around the hallllllllll....

Okay, I was extremely jealous seeing everybody had purchased Frozen on DVD when it came out on Monday so I had to go and get it. I absolutely adored the film when I went to watch it at the cinema with Ashley. Now I can watch it when ever I want, which I can guarantee will be a lot. I'm driving my little brother potty with the snowman song already. I'm taking the DVD with me to Ashley's on Friday so we can watch it over the weekend and I'll probably drive him potty with the songs too. I drove him potty when we went to watch the Lego movie because I had the 'Everything is awesome' song stuck in my head. I've just downloaded the Frozen soundtrack too for my train journey! My mum and brother watched the film for the first time and they really enjoyed it, we all love Olaf! (Olaf is the snowman). I made curry loaf in cupcake form and we had them as a snack along with a hot chocolate whilst we watched it. I've not loved a film this much since Toy Story and Finding Nemo. I've only had 3 syns today which is rather good! Lets hope all this hard work pays off for Monday, I'm not going to jinx myself though.

Hope you are all having a good week!

I've got that Monday night, Monday night sadness.

I was feeling ever so positive about last nights weigh-in and felt like I'd done enough to get my 2lb loss. I was so nervous stepping onto the scales and what made it even worse was I gained 1.5lb, I was absolutely devastated and extremely angry. Not only did I turn down KFC at weekend and have jacket potato and beans but I had been 100% on plan all week. But it's made me more determined than ever! I knew it was coming because I had a good loss last week and my weight has started going up and down for some strange reason, it's possibly because I'm a lot lighter than I was at the start. Next week will be my week I hope! I need 3.5lb for my 8 and a half stone award, I'm determined to get it. I actually don't know what it is that could have made me gain this week so I'm just going to put it down as one of those things. I'm going to exercise more this week, because I normally get good losses after peddling my bottom off on the exercise bike. I need to look at it this way I've lost over 8 stone and I'm not always going to lose. I'm going to up my super free, even though I eat a hell of a lot of it already. So watch this space! I normally have an awesome loss after staying at Ashley's over the weekend so fingers and toes crossed it happens on Monday. I want April to start with a loss not another gain.

Hope you all have a great week and have a success at weigh in.

Pushing forward, tears and nerves.

This weekend has made me realise a lot about myself as a person. I put other people before myself all the time, now it's time for me to put myself first. I was dreading college but now I'm not, me and Ashley are going to the college during his week off in 2 weeks time so I can get more information about the course and what I need to do. I can start applying now for a place in September so hopefully I will get on the course as I really want this. I cried puddles yesterday because my dad noticed my aunty Sonya's (who past away in February) Facebook page had been deactivated, this was the only place I could go to talk to her when I wanted to tell her something (as silly as it sounds). My uncle has deactivated it after promising that he wouldn't, broken promises hurt a lot. It's really upset me and I'm so angry because that one place has been taken away from me. Hopefully he will reactivate it! I'm really missing Ashley, he only left less than 24 hours ago but I still miss him. Not seeing him until Friday but we have a thing where we cancel out days so it goes a lot faster and it actually works haha. Like today is technically Monday but to us it's now Tuesday which means it's only 2 days until I see him. I'm in Stoke from Friday evening, can't wait to see Dave and squidge him. (Dave is Ashley's chihuahua, Luna's puppy). This weekend went far too fast.

I'm so nervous about tonight's weigh in, I really hope I've done enough for the 2lb loss I need for my 8.5stone award. It was one of my March goals and since it's the last day of March it would be a nice little send off into April. If not I still have until 20th April to get it. Fingers and toes crossed I do get it, it will cheer me up. I'm going to try and stay positive until 7pm! Good luck if you are too being weighed tonight.

Random thoughts of positivity..

So today my mum mentioned something she had noticed with me and it made me realise how far I've actually come since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She mentioned that normally I'd avoid main roads and now I walk down them without even thinking about it. For me this was a big thing because I hated the thought of people driving past and staring at me or even worse shouting abuse from their car windows (which happened quite a lot). It just proves how much losing weight is helping me, my confidence is slowly blossoming and it feels amazing. I still constantly battle with my thoughts when I'm outside, like when I go shopping with Ashley and people glance at me. I automatically go into panic mood of thinking "What will they be thinking about me?".. "They probably think I'm a fat pig and ugly".. "They can see the hairs on my neck".. Things like this are the things that make me shy away from socialising environments. I need to train my mind to think positive thoughts instead of negative all the time but it really is hard. I also mentioned to my mum that I'm terrified of starting college in September even though it's something I really want to do. I'm terrified I won't make any friends and I'll spend the 2 years on my own. I've not had any real friends in a long time, so it's going to be a big step for me. I know I can do it and I know not everybody is going to like me but that's life. I have just under 7 months to prepare myself, I refuse to back out last minute because I'm scared. I also have to get on to the course first!

I'm really looking forward to this weekend, Ashley is on his way here as I'm typing this post. We are going to the cinema Saturday afternoon to watch the new Captain America film, as I promised my not so little brother (he's taller than me) that I'd take him for his birthday which was last Saturday. I'm also getting my Pandora bracelet back that had been sent off for repair 5/6 weeks ago. I'm also possibly getting a new iPhone! My current iPhone is a piece of poo. I've had a great week on Slimming World, so hopefully it will show on Monday. I'm praying I've lost 2lb but if not there's always the week after.

I hope you all enjoy your weekends with whatever you are doing.