Wide awake.

So I'm sat here at 1:26am wide awake, today (well yesterday since it's past midnight) was terrible. I have not felt the amount of stress I felt for such a long time. All the planning of getting my life on track with college etc has had me feeling crap. Then to top it all off I went to weigh in and gain 2lb on top of the half a pound I gained last week, star week is looming which is always a disaster at weigh in so I'm hoping I get a nice surprise next Monday instead.

I sometimes forget how far I've actually come because I worry so much that I will go back to being the unhappy, very over weight girl I used to be. I can't go back there, my life was hell. I don't know why I've got myself so stressed, it's not because of the gain I just seem to have a lot on my mind at the moment. I even considered going back to my old ways earlier and I scared myself I haven't thought about harming myself in nearly a year, so why now? I didn't though, I refuse to go back there. Hopefully after a nice restful sleep I will feel a lot better, once I get tired that is.

Wouldn't it be great if we all lived a world full of happiness, rainbows and magic. Depression wouldn't exist in that sort of world. I'd also own my own unicorn!

Those scales won't know whats hit them next week, I'm going to do my kettle bell every day, no excuses! Plenty of super free and no fizzy drinks, going to limit syns too and not use them on chocolate. I want to have lost 10st before I go to Leeds festival in August. Hopefully that is doable, well I think it is. I've done 4 comparison pictures tonight for myself with old pictures I found on the computer downstairs whilst I was putting them all on a memory stick for my dad. I was so shocked because I still felt like those pictures were still actually me but when I compared them, just goes to show I'm not.

Hope you all have a great week!