Remember why you started.

When I first started my blog I did explain my story, for those that really can't be bothered going back to the beginning (I don't really blame you) here it is..

                         

I'd been unhappy for a very long time, I'd also battled with my weight for a very long time. I think the last time I was slim I was 5 years old. I was a chunky child, an over weight teenager and a very over weight adult. Food was my comfort blanket, I enjoyed it until it made me feel sick. I hated going shopping for clothes as I dreaded in the changing rooms looking at myself in the mirror. I remember when prom came around at high school and my mum took me to Evans to buy me a dress (I never wore dresses) and the only ones that fitted me were the ones your grandma would wear. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and I got really upset. I took it off and refused to try on any more dresses. I ended up going to prom in a pair of white cotton trousers and a baggy tunic top, whilst all the other girls looked beautiful in their prom dresses. I was miserable, I finished school and went to college I was picked on throughout college for 2 years. People said it was because I was too nice, I don't see how being nice is a problem but clearly to those girls it was. I was picked on in school so to have to deal with it again in college made life hell. Who'd have thought girls could be so cruel? When I finished college I went into a deep dark depression, I shut everybody off. Anxiety hit me like a tonne of bricks, I wouldn't leave the house, I was snappy, I comfort ate and I self harmed. My life was out of control, I didn't feel like it was my life anymore. The depression and anxiety destroyed every last piece of me. I had a boyfriend that cheated on me, I stayed with him even though I didn't want to because I thought nobody would ever love me or want me. It took me a while but in June 2012 I decided to get rid of him and cut him out of my life, even though that meant all the awful looks I get off his family members now (I don't think he told them what he did). In July 2012 I decided I didn't want to be fat anymore I wanted to feel good and I wanted some happiness so with the support of my mum I joined slimming world. I was so so scared but I will never ever look back, it's changed my life and I've gained so much from it. In July 2013 a year after I joined I met Ashley who I've been with for nearly 2 years, finally somebody who actually loved me and wasn't going to hurt me. The bond we have is beautiful, I couldn't ask for anybody more perfect. He's loyal, supportive, kind and beautiful inside and out. You could say life is pretty good now, after being inside the house for 5 years I'm doing well. I do have panics still when going out and I do worry about what other people think but it's not as scary as I thought. I went back to college and I'm almost finished, I'm hoping to have a job next year doing something I love and I am passionate about. I'm 1lb away from losing 11st, I never in a million years thought I'd lose 1st let alone 11.

Don't give up, don't make excuses, if I can do it so can you! 

It's been a while.

I've not posted in nearly a month *slaps wrist*. I've been so busy with college work etc and worrying about my maths. I've not got my 11st award yet, I'm 1lb away from doing so (although I was half a pound away). My body is being stupid and it sucks. I've been put onto the pill because well lets just saying nothing was helping me if you think bleeding once a month is a fucker try bleeding constantly for months! It sucks I tell you. I'm hoping everything will settle down eventually and the pill is my saviour but it needs time to work, so only time will tell. I've had a lot going on lately, I failed my first attempt at my exam for functional skills level 2 maths and I resit it next week. I've been doing a lot of test papers that Ashley kindly printed off for me, so I'm hoping all that has helped. I also after 10 months of avoiding the dentist got my mum to ring them this morning (I'm shit scared of them) I was meant to go and have my teeth cleaned again 10 months ago but avoided it but now I have to go for a check up next Wednesday because I haven't been in so long. Don't worry I still brush my teeth every day and use mouth wash I'm not a hillbilly with one tooth, I just lack in the flossing department so the Dentist person will tell me off for that. I avoided going for so long because my anxiety to was so bad and the dentist would have finished me off so surely they will understand that. Also, I took Luna to the vets last Thursday to be told she is blind in one eye, she's not even 3 years old and has cataracts in her left eye. I was heartbroken to say the least especially as the vet said if the drops she has been put on don't help the inflammation and soreness of the eye then she will have to have removed. As somebody that loves their dog more than anything in the world it's such a horrible thing to know. So all I can do is cuddle her as much as she can bare and sooth her eye with eye drops (they seem to be helping so far).

So yeah that's been my life in a nutshell for the past couple of weeks. I've also spent the last 9 days with Ashley which has been wonderful. I can't wait for us to have our place together because it sucks spending so much time together then having to wait a week to see him again. Roll on Sunday!

Hope you all have a great week and are doing well.

Things I want to be able to do now I'm not nearly 24 stone.

So today I've been thinking about all the things I want to be able to do now I don't weigh nearly 24 stone. My weight has held me back for far too long, I want to be out there, I want to do things that I've stopped my self from doing because I've been so scared.

So here is my list -

• I want to go to a theme park and go on rides without being scared that I won't fit. The last time I went to a theme park I couldn't fit through the railings to get onto rides I had to climb over. Not only is it embarrassing it's also scary when the bar is digging into your stomach and you feel like it's going to burst open. Me and Ashley are hopefully going to Alton Towers in June to overcome my fears.
• I want to go on holiday in the sunshine and not worry about having to cover up. I want to be able to wear shorts and strappy tops without being judged because I'm massive. 
• I want to be able to eat food in public and not worry that people are looking at me and thinking I'm a fat bitch just because I'm eating.
• I want to be able to start running, I can only run for one minute on the treadmill but I'm sure I'd be able to build on that gradually. 
• I want to meet the lovely people I've met on instagram and not feel worried they will judge me. I know I've met a couple already but I want to meet more! I've made some really good friends.
• I want to make more friends, friends are something I've found all my life very hard to make and keep. I always feel like a burden, hence why I spend all of my time with my mum or Ashley. The truth is I don't really have any friends. Well I do but non that I see or go out and do stuff with.
• I want to experiment with clothes, I need a new wardrobe. I also need to rob a bank in order to do so haha.
• I want to learn how to swim, yes I can't swim. I'm afraid, not just of swimming but of wearing a swim suit. This will take a long time yet.
• I eventually don't want to worry about my weight, I want to be happy and content with the way I look. I want to feel like I'm worthy of being with Ashley, I want to look good for him. Every girl wants to feel sexy right? I couldn't be sexy if I tried. 

Not all of these things can be done at once, but eventually I want to be able to say I've done it! 

Greatest Monday in the history of Mondays!

I'm very much aware it is now Friday but Monday was one of the best Mondays I have ever had! I had a very positive head on, I got through placement and then went to weigh in at group. I jumped on the scales knowing I was going to have a good loss, I could feel it in myself. I lost 3.5lb I was over the moon! Losing that amount meant I got my 10 and a half stone award as well as an extra 1.5lb, I have now lost 10st 8.5lb and I can't explain just how happy I am. I normally get weighed then go home I know people thrown upon this but while the nights are dark and I'm ready to eat my arm come 7pm it's what I prefer I pay to get weighed to keep me on the straight and narrow and I still receive full support from my consultant. But Monday I stayed to group with the company of Ashley and my mum, my consultant had asked me to stay so she could hand me both my awards. I did a clean sweep though! Not only did I get my 10 and a half stone award, I also got slimmer of the week (which I need to pick up) and I was announced our groups Greatest Loser 2015. It was such a lovely night, I stood up and spoke in front a few people which makes me so very nervous and it makes me sweat haha!

I am now 3lb from being in the 12st bracket and eve though I'm not getting weighed next Monday, I'm hoping the Monday after I will be in that stone bracket. I will probably cry with glee because I can't remember the last time I seen the number 12 on the scales (apart from in the lb section). I'm off plan Saturday and slightly on Sunday as my little brother turns 16 this weekend but after that I mean business I will get that 3lb off. I've weighed myself this morning and I have lost 1/4 of a lb since Monday which is good because I only got back on plan Wednesday so it just goes to show.


Ashley comes tonight and I'm so excited to see him, he's only been gone since Tuesday! I just hate being apart from him and those that are in long distance relationships will understand that. I'm so lucky to have him and his support, it means the world to me.

I hope you all have a great weekend, heres to another great week!

If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club!

So since I last posted on here this is what has happened.. 

• I received an email off Slimming World to enter the Greatest Loser 2015 national competition.
• I was announced my groups Greatest Loser 2015 (I get it Monday)
• I purchased a new coat finally! No more pulling strings in!! Although the new coat is a pain in the arse because it marks quite easily trust me to pick a creamy coloured coat.
• I've been told I can sit my maths test on the 25th March (eeeeeek)!!
• I swapped my nose stud for a nose ring!
• I've swapped fizzy pop for juice.
• One of our dogs has had puppies! 

When I got a new coat in 2013 vs my new coat 2015!

So yeah they are just a few things that have happened. Quite exciting really, well some of them. I was so excited to receive the email off Slimming World but I don't think I'll meet criteria just yet but it was worth a shot hey?! I need to lose 2lb on Monday and I'm feeling very positive because I've had such a good week on plan. I had a cheeky look on our scales and they say I'm lighter than when I weighed at group last week which is awesome because theres 2lb difference I have to subtract 2 from ours because they are crap haha. I know I shouldn't weigh and this is the first time I've done it this week it's showing a 3lb loss and it's only Saturday anything is possible! As long as I've lost 2lb I couldn't care as I really want my 10 and a half stone award it will make collecting my Greatest Loser 2015 award that much better. I think my weight loss has started getting better again as I'm no longer on medication and I'm not drinking fizzy pop everyday I'm filling my minnie mouse flask type bottle up with juice and I feel so much better for it.

My not so little brother turns 16 next weekend, so I won't be getting weighed monday 23rd. I want to have a nice weekend and not worry about having cake etc. I know I should go on the monday and face a gain but I don't see why I should pay £5 to do so. I will be staying on plan up until and after his birthday I'm not making the christmas mistake all over again. I will be instructing people to tell me off if I even attempt christmas all over again.

So excited that it's Sunday tomorrow, I'm seeing my love for a few days even though I'm in placement booooo!! :(  but Monday night he gets to see me pick my awards up and it will be nice having him there. We are also going to to Turtle Bay after weigh in for Jamaican food, can't wait!

I hope you all have a great weekend and week a head.

February blues.

February has been an awful month for me so far, so I'm sorry I haven't blogged since the beginning of the month. My weight loss has been awful but this for once isn't my fault, I'm on medication at the moment have been for two weeks and will be for a further week they finish next Tuesday. This medication unfortunately makes you gain weight and boy have I suffered. I gained half a pound for some unknown reason the week before I got them but then the following week I maintained (I got weighed at a group in Stoke) then this week I gained a massive three and a half pound I was in bits over that because I was only one pound away from my next award and now I'm four and a half pound away from it. It's so frustrating but I want to get better first and then hopefully what I have gained because of the tablets I can get back off again. Even though I've stuck to plan completely and knew I'd have a gain I still crumbled because it is so disheartening. I broke down crying to my consultant and she said to treat it as a maintain as the medication will be making me carry so much water. I'm hoping that next week isn't another gain as I don't finish the tablets until Tuesday so we shall see. I've started doing some body magic too, I did twenty minutes on the bike last night as well as five minutes kettlebell workout, I was absolutely shattered.

It was half term last week I spent nine lovely days with Ashley, I didn't want it to end Sunday and I miss him terribly now as I don't see him until Sunday. It was so lovely being with him for that amount of time we went on lots of walks and spent most of our time in the supermarkets (that's normal for us!) At least next week I get to see him longer, which makes me extremely happy.

I hope you've all had a great week so far and enjoy your weekends.

February.

February is bittersweet for me at the moment, as today is the 1 year anniversary of my Auntie Sonya's death. It seriously doesn't feel like a year already, it's gone so fast. It's been a struggle but I'm just doing my best to try and make her proud. I know she won't want me to be sad and upset so I shall try my best.

Last night was my first weigh in of February, I picked up slimmer of the month for January which I'm really chuffed about as I lost 11.5lb last month. I lost 1lb last night but I needed 1.5lb for my next award, I even went for an extra wee and took my socks off! It didn't help lol. So next week I want that! I currently weigh 13st 4.5lb I'm so close to the 12st bracket it's exciting!! I'm such a big fan of the new hifi light bars that have come into group the 'rhubarb crumble and custard' ones. They taste so good! If you have a sweet tooth and love rhubarb you'll adore them. I've planned all the meals for the week and done the shopping list for tomorrow. I've been really poorly hence why it was a small loss this week, I've been popping tablets like they are going out of fashion, I wasn't able to go in college or placement I was that bad. I'm on the mend now and was in placement this week and have college tomorrow. I'm so tired though and I still have a cough and cold, but somehow I think my immune system is just going to have to man up as children are walking flu machines!

I'm going to spend my night watching the football and reading the latest slimming world magazine for inspiration. I hope you all have a great week.