So lately I seem to have found some confidence, it's strange because it's something I've never had before. I was unaware of this confidence until I tried a dress on in George (Asda) and decided I will wear it without tights and I did just that! I also purchased a pair of shorts, but not so confident to wear them yet but I will eventually, I did wear them to weigh in on Monday night though. I think the fact I'm finally able to go out now and I'm at the point where I think 'why should I care about what other people think about me?' is just crazy. I was forever hiding, staying in doors away from 'the big bad world' because I was so scared of all the negativity going on in my life. I remember when I had lost 3st on Slimming World, fair enough I was still really big but when I had people still shouting horrible comments from their car windows it really knocked me back and the confidence I was gaining from doing so well took a back seat. Today I went food shopping with my mum and we called into the newsagents to put the lottery on first and the man that owns the shop is lovely he always smiles at me and says hello but today he actually said to me "You've lost a lot of weight and you have such a beautiful face and figure now" not only did I go bright red but I felt so good about myself because somebody had been paying attention to me that didn't even know me but he had seen how much I have lost and when I told him that I have lost nearly 9 and a half stone he said "That's amazing". It's little things like that, that make me much happier going out now because it shows that people aren't always going to throw negative comments at me anymore and I'm learning that it is okay to accept compliments no matter how much I doubt myself. I still go red when Ashley says something nice to me, I'm not very good at accepting compliments because they are new to me. People on Instagram are wonderful confidence boosters, I don't mean that to sound pig headed (I apologise if it does) but when people leave me such lovely comments on my pictures it makes me feel good about myself because it's positive stuff and not negative stuff. I'm finally getting somewhere now, this wasn't just a journey to change the way I looked but it was also a journey to help with my mental state. I think I'm doing rather well with that too.
My anxiety has been terrible for as long as I can remember and on Tuesday evening it got tested quite a lot. Myself and Ashley went to watch the new planet of the apes film and a group of young boys sat behind us, they made me angry all the way through the film which probably contributed to me not enjoying the film. They were making noises, throwing popcorn and the most irritating thing of them all kicking my chair. I could feel my chest getting tight and I knew I was going to have a panic attack but I sat and slowed my breathing I thought about getting up and walking out so many times but I didn't. That was the first time I have ever been able to control my panic attacks, I was still very shaky when we left the cinema and then I explained it to Ashley who of course kept apologising like a sausage but it wasn't his fault we were sat in front of silly immature boys. I have so much to thank Ashley for, if it wasn't for him my mental state would still be so bad. I've managed to do so much and be so happy because of him. I don't know where I'd be without him now but I know I never want to find that out.
I lost 1lb at weigh in on Monday which of course was going to happen because I was 2lb away from my next award. It always happens when I'm so close, so hopefully I'll have that next Monday. We have exactly 4 weeks until Leeds Fest now and I want to be in my 13's by then as I know that I'm not going to be able to make the best choices when I'm there but I want to be able to enjoy myself and then get back on track after it. I'm not going to be so strict on myself because this is the first festival I've ever been to and I want to enjoy myself without worrying about what I'm eating and drinking.
This week I'm going to do 2 days extra easy and 4 days red just to mix it up a little, plus I'm going to the gym Sunday night with Ashley. Hopefully Monday will be the bearer of good news!
I hope you all have a fantastic week and have amazing losses!
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