Well today I had my fortnightly appointment with my support worker, normally I sit, cry and tell her how awful everything has been. BUT today I was more positive, I explained to her that next September I wanted to go back to college and do a course which will then help me get a job as a councilor or that line of work. Basically giving my support to young people or adults that are suffering with mental health. I know how hard it is when having to deal with mental health as I've been battling with it for 5 years and was battling with it on and off through out school and college. When people don't understand the context of mental health and how it affects people, it's easy for them to say 'oh cheer up'. Now if it was that easy the world would be a much happier place, would it not? But it's not that easy and it affects people in different ways.
As a person that's suffered at the hands of it for so long, I've developed a poker face. I look happy on the outside but on the inside I'm practically an emotional wreck. It becomes easier to bottle all your problems up rather than tell people about them. Once you bottle them up for so long though it's only a matter of time before you crumble, and I did. I turned to self harming, I'm not proud of it but I'm not ashamed of it either. Yes I have scars, but I'm still here. I no longer use self harming as a coping mechanism, 1 I'd hate my boyfriend to have to witness what I did after I had done it, and 2 what was I achieving from it? Absolutely nothing. Don't get me wrong there are times when I'm feeling so low that I want to go back to that but I find a distraction because it isn't worth the pain.
I've avoided interacting with people outside for so long because of negative comments I use to receive, I'd be called names in the streets. People would even go out of their way to shout comments out of car windows. It made me feel worthless and ashamed of myself, obviously these people had problems with their own little lives that they had to make somebody feel much worse that day. So being outside makes my anxiety hit the roof, I become so paranoid. Even now when I'm out with my boyfriend, I worry that people will look at us and think 'What the hell is he doing with a fat bitch like her?'. I know its all in my head, but it's hard to change the way you think when negativity is all you've known.
You have done amazingly, I have followed you on Instagram and seeing your before picture I literally never would of thought that was the same person. As for mental health, ignorance and fear are the main reasons for peoples negative reactions. Its really good you are getting your story out there and helping to educate people. Well done xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you ever so much, it's nice to know there are still some lovely, non judgmental people out there :) xxx
DeleteSo proud of you darling! Lovely post, our stories need to be told! xx
ReplyDeleteThank you beaut! They do indeed, too many people suffer on their own xx
DeleteThis is really random i know! But this time last year i used to follow your instragram while i was doing sw. Ive hust restarted and came across your page and followed you, i literally couldbt believe it was the same person! I dont even know you and have only seen the odd picture but you seem like a completely different person, not only do you look different but you come across as alot more confident and happy. I know youll probally think im a weirdo but its really inspiring to see how far someone can come in a year :) well done xx
ReplyDeleteAwww such a lovely comment! Of course I don't think you are a weirdo! Thank you so much, I hope you have a successful and happy weight loss journey :-) here if you need anything! xx
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